Chapter 5: The Garden of Disney

My beautiful Charlene’s personality and character was like a giant, oval (her favorite), D-Flawless diamond; every single facet sparkling brightly. And all facets working together to create a magical and glorious multi-colored light. Charlene lived her life like a diamond, dancing, revolving in the light. And I had a front row seat, I had the only seat to the most dazzling light show on God’s earth. 

But if you wanted to pick one facet of Charlene’s sparkling personality to integrate into your own, the single brightest aspect of Charlene’s that will have the most profound impact on your life, it’s this. Charlene was happy. She was the Happiness Diamond of legend. The centerpiece of the Davidic dynasty’s crown jewels. And she had a formula you can follow.

It’s a simple formula, in that it's not complex. But it’s also not easy. I haven’t mastered it myself. Although in my defense, I never tried to, I really didn’t have the need to until now. Because for many years since rejoining Charlene in her Garden until her passing, her happiness had been my happiness by proxy. I didn’t need to follow her formula, I just had to make sure she was happy. And as long as she was, I was. 

This was very practical and resulted in my always being happy, because it was way easier to make Charlene happy than to make myself happy, even knowing her formula. Because Charlene was basically always happy. And in the rare instances where she wasn’t it was easy to bring her back with focused attention on correcting whatever caused the momentary unhappiness. Because she didn’t want to be unhappy, she wanted to be happy.

The first element in her formula was “Desire”, “Ratzon”, which in Kabbalistic terms is also the first element used by God to create the universe, (the first words of the book 138 Gates of Wisdom written by the brilliant and holy 18th century Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, the "Ramchal", are “there arose in God a desire to create”). Nothing deliberate happens without Ratzon first. Ratzon is not just desire. Ratzon is the kind of soul-level aspiration that athletes and all driven, goal oriented people marshal; the kind of desire that causes them to sacrifice many comforts and other priorities on the altar of their goal.

(By the way, because everything fundamental starts with Ratzon, conquering Ratzon is what it will take to rectify Adam’s sin and bring the Messiah. God gave Adam one task to accomplish in order to live in paradise forever. Make the right choice, desire the Tree of Life. But Adam and Eve desired of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and made the wrong choice. 

In our world of robotics and AI where reality is becoming easier and easier to create and control with just Ratzon, the choice of good or evil will be very binary and fundamentally simple. Simple but still the hardest choice one will need to make, digging deep into their psyche to decide who they want to be. 

One will be able to live completely unconsciously, wasting away their God-given energies on meaningless entertainment, or worse, damaging others and the universe. Or one will live in a fully conscious way, spiritually connected, living every day as if it’s a sublime Shabbat. Learning and growing with family and community, spending time in meaningful pursuits, living on a higher, peaceful plane).

Charlene desired to be happy more than anything and chose the happy state of being over all others, letting go of thought patterns and bad memories that would cause unhappiness. Sacrificing with no self-pity those thought patterns and memories on the altar of her happiness. 

The second element in her formula was singlemindedness, she pursued happiness singlemindedly. Charlene pursued happiness the way Aaron the High Priest pursued peace. 

Aaron the High Priest is described in the Bible as a “lover of peace and pursuer of peace”. The Hebrew word the Bible uses for “pursuer” here (“rodef”) is the same word the Bible uses to describe an attempted murderer in the midst of chasing his victim to kill him. It’s a very distinct word, and still part of the Hebrew language today to describe someone in the act of attempting to kill. 

Strange. Of all the words to describe someone seeking peace, why use the one word known for describing a murderer in the act? The connection is that Aaron aggressively pursued peace. Aaron was a warrior for peace. He wasn’t passive. Most peaceful people love being at peace. But do little to make it happen. They certainly don’t fight for peace.

Aaron would coerce people to make peace by telling one the other wanted to make up and then telling the other that the first wanted to make up. Like war, it was a messy job; a lot of back and forth and probably bending the intent of what was said here and there to bring the sides closer together. But through these tactics he would create peace where it was as elusive as a Quidditch snitch.

Pinchas, Aaron’s grandson, was the only other person ever to be made a priest through his own merit (not including Aaron’s sons). What distinguished Pinchas was that he killed a fornicating couple with his spear to stop a plague that was wiping out the nation. An act of war and murder to bring peace. He was literally a warrior for peace. 

Because peace is not about quiet, that’s submission. Most people that love being at peace really just love the quiet. Because they fear chaos. And are willing to give up things that are integral to their identity to preserve a “peace” that’s really just quiet. True peace is about balance. When all parts are where they belong, creating completeness. Oneness. Not peace because things are left unsaid with one side accepting an imbalance. 

The common denominator between Aaron and Pinchas was their uncompromising protection of balance in all relationships, personal, national, and with the universe and God Himself. And that, (like Jedis), they would fight and get their hands dirty to bring this balance back into relationships. Aaron is highlighted bringing balance into people’s interpersonal relationships, and Pinchas is highlighted bringing balance between a betrothed nation’s morality and their moral God’s standards. 

Charlene pursued happiness the way Aaron pursued peace, and the way predators pursue prey, in that they all focused singlemindedly on their vision, manifesting their ideal envisioned outcome from the entire field of possibilities open to them.

For Aaron there was only one single scenario out of many possibilities where the two parties would meet in the middle, where all complaints would be addressed fairly and equitably and where they would be at peace. And he focused his energy on bringing the parties to that envisioned meeting point in any way he could. 

In a similar way, Charlene had a vision of her life as a happy one. And she focused her energy on finding the happy narrative from within all of the narrative possibilities contained within her memories. She searched through her memories for the happy ones and wherever she found them she attached significance, and gave them broad meaning in her life. Each one became another thread in her happy narrative, further proof of her happy life. 

Charlene remembered and felt the hurt of her unhappy memories but she let them pass through her, processing them out over time. She didn’t allow those episodes to be “part of her story”. She didn’t give them any more meaning than just what was contained in the bare facts. They became just isolated episodes of unhappiness, not proof of any systemic unhappiness. She didn’t let them define her or her state of mind in any way. 

Charlene didn’t make up stories. She was very realistic in the way she viewed the world and her own past. But she was very selective. She understood that most of the past was gray, not black and white, with many overlapping and even contradictory causes for most events. 

And that memories were extremely subjective and highly susceptible to influence and interpretation by a person’s internal narrative. And that when a person’s narrative changes their memories change. Or they notice different elements in their memories, which changes the entire meaning of those memories. 

Charlene and I would talk about our pasts, our memories very differently. I did not have her ability to pursue and catch the “happiness snitch”. I would share with Charlene the flood of negative memories, the harrowing stories that had deeply affected my psyche, and became part of the negative narrative of my life B.C. (Meaning both “before Charlene” and that I was a neanderthal before meeting her). 

(And Charlene, my steadfastly faithful, loving partner, and warrior princess, never abandoned me as I traveled through that darkness before finally rejoining her in the light. 

One of the things the True Judge shattered when He took back His heart from out of my chest, is the sense of peace and completeness I had from feeling at one with Charlene. Because of her total knowledge and acceptance of me. And mine of her. How when we looked into each other’s eyes hers told me that she saw all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Not only the me of today, but the past and future me as well. 

And still she looked at me with love, admiration, devotion, and trust, hunger even, happy to belong to me. And happy that I was all hers, the rock that supported and sheltered her, that she knew would stop at nothing for her, that would move heaven and earth for her. Looking into each other’s eyes we were one, at peace.

How I miss her. I don’t even want to add a descriptor of how much I miss her or how strongly because that would just limit what feels unlimited, infinite. My whole being yearns, just yearns for peace, to feel complete again). 

But Charlene would talk totally differently about her life B.S. (Meaning both “before Shalom”, and “bullshit”). Because Charlene was wearing rose-tinted glasses looking at those memories. Which is very appropriate for someone whose Hebrew name Shoshannah means a rose.

(But by any other name she was just as sweet. Especially the sweet name Charlene. Whenever I came home I would call out loudly “Charlene”, totally unnecessarily because I was already walking towards her and would see her momentarily. I only did it because I savored the feeling of the word Charlene in my mouth, the way it rolled off my tongue, and it just sounded sweet like a southern farmgirl. My southern farmgirl).

When Charlene would speak of her past the narrative was all happiness. (Well not all of it. The very rare times we spoke of her past relationships she made sure to tell me how miserable she was, knowing how I would enjoy hearing that the way a tiger enjoys lapping up a giant saucer of cream. Talking about it was very rare though because I much preferred to block the entire existence of those relationships out of my mind. I had a running joke whenever a past relationship of hers would come up in conversation with others. I would get this horrified look on my face and ask her loudly, “you were married before?!?!”).

Charlene would tell me how much fun she had as a child, how she would watch her siblings in Disney World, where both her parents worked at the time. Charlene would take her siblings all over, swimming in the Polynesian Hotel pool, riding the rides in Magic Kingdom.

And I would ask “you were fine at eight years old being in charge of three little kids? Being responsible for them in that big place?” And “you weren’t upset at your parents for doing that to you?”

And this brings me to element three of Charlene’s formula. Her unique and positive perspective. When looking at a situation in general but especially at memories and how to interpret her recollection, she would ask herself the question “How does it serve me?” She would interpret past events in the way that was most beneficial for her happiness. Not in a delusional way, but very intentionally examining the story to find its most positive aspects. It wasn’t an unnatural process, she flowed with it. Her mindset was so positive, she just resonated with the most positive aspects of the stories. 

And because of this unique perspective, Charlene would answer that she felt like “the luckiest girl alive”. How jealous the visitor kids were when they heard she lived there locally and came to the parks almost every day. She got to go to Disney all the time and these “rich kids” from all over the world were there for only a few days. She wasn’t focused on the negative of being dropped off in a huge place to fend for herself and her siblings. She focused on the positive of what she had that nobody else did, not even these rich kids.

And Charlene wasn’t upset at her parents for leaving her in charge because she felt they loved her and she believed they were doing their best under the circumstances at the time. Charlene had enough memories of her parents being loving to her for her to choose that loving narrative and move forward with that perspective. 

Charlene could have easily chosen a narrative of her parents being abusive or neglectful. She had more than enough evidence for that as well. But she chose to minimize the significance of the memories of neglect, by not putting labels or building a narrative around them. 

Charlene would look at those negative memories through an understanding and empathetic lens, as a series of isolated instances, and say things to me like “they needed the money and couldn’t afford a babysitter”, forgiving her parents and releasing any hold those negative ideas/feelings may have had on her psyche. She wouldn’t give those memories any power. And she made excuses for her parents (as she did for me, especially for me, but also everyone else she loved). 

She said she never doubted her mother’s love, that she always felt her mother’s love. And she would tell stories from her childhood to illustrate.

Like how as a 10 year old child Charlene was accused by a friend’s mother of stealing the mother’s ring and how Charlene’s mother marched over there to defend her. In the end the story came out. The friend had stolen her mother’s ring herself and blamed it on Charlene.

And how as a fourteen year old Charlene was being driven home from a babysitting gig, and the husband/father terrifyingly stopped at a cemetery to make a pass at her. And her mother, again like a mama bear, went to the couple’s house, raising hell, telling the wife and calling the cops. 

It’s interesting and very telling that Charlene made money as a babysitter after working that way at home for many years. You might think she’d run the other way after the trauma but quite the opposite. She took the positives from the experience and used it to grow. 

In fact, in her early 20’s Charlene built up a very thriving business supplying college student babysitters in the evening to Disney hotel guests. At one point all the Disney hotels were offering her babysitting service and she was making a lot of money.   

And then she hired her mother to do some admin work for her, but who instead proceeded to make decisions as if it were her own business, against Charlene’s wishes, including some very bad ones. Like adding maid services for local homeowners, which basically buried the business.

Going from high-margin, irregular and easy babysitting gigs using part-time, sometimes available college student workers, to low-margin, regular and hard cleaning gigs using the same part-time, sometimes available college student workers. Almost immediately customer and worker satisfaction plummeted, profits turned to losses and they went out of business.

But she never held this against her mother. She made excuses for her mother, took the blame on herself (in this case somewhat rightfully, it was her business after all). And never used this story or others like it in her happy life or mother narrative. 

Another example of this is how Charlene was hit by a car at two years old and was awarded a large financial settlement in trust for her college. She always knew about this trust and made plans to use it when the time came for college. But when the time came it wasn’t there. Her parents had used it. And they didn’t even tell her. They let her plan her future as if it was there, pulling the rug out at the last moment. Causing her to dramatically and abruptly change her life plan, going to work after high school instead of college.

Charlene said they needed the money and had no choice. And then the time was never right to tell her and disappoint her. To Charlene, these stories were just isolated instances where due to human weakness her mother or parents didn’t come through for her as well as they might have. It didn’t change their love for her. 

And the truth is both narratives had evidence. I myself saw how much her mother always loved her and how strongly connected she and her mother were to each other. And I also saw her mother’s failings.

(Incidentally I felt especially indebted to Charlene’s mother for her failings, knowing full well that Charlene would never have fallen into my arms in New Jersey if her mother hadn’t caused Charlene’s life to go sideways multiple times).  

Which brings me to the fourth element of Charlene’s happiness formula. Once she locked into a happy narrative whether with her mother or anybody for that matter, she was able to hold the frame going forward. She turned her selective happy interpretation of events before today into the ongoing form of relationship with that person by continuing to relate using that narrative. Locking in the happy narrative and locking out the negative aspects. 

With her mother this meant relating to her only as her loving and devoted mother. And disregarding the past letdowns as not relevant going forward. But also being careful going forward to not place herself or our family in a situation where we might be exposed to this other part of her mother.

So for example Charlene wouldn’t leave our young children alone with her mother in a Disney park for any length of time so as not to overload her because her mother made bad decisions under pressure. (Unlike the 8 year old Charlene who shined under pressure). 

This is how she turned so many people that started off not liking her into friends or at least admirers. Many people, especially women, were initially defensive around her. Because of her looks and other enviable attributes. But in their initial interactions there were also positive elements. Charlene would focus on this, completely ignoring the negative elements. And continue to relate going forward using those positive elements. Effectively creating a positive, happy narrative and relationship through vision and patience. Like Aaron the High Priest.  

Charlene’s happy childhood narrative was anchored in Disney. I always knew how much Charlene loved Disney. And how much she loved taking our kids there. Giving them the same happy memories and experiences that she had. She celebrated all of our family events there. We were married there.

But until now I never realized how foundational Disney was to Charlene’s worldview and psychic formation. Disney was the happiest place on earth and it was her happy place from childhood, her Garden. Where she went when things were difficult and then everything was better. I believe this is where Charlene developed the desire, the Ratzon to live a happy life.

And Charlene learned how to be happy at Disney and from Disney. She watched and learned. Charlene was great at that. Watching and learning. One of the reasons Charlene was the Jewish Martha Stewart is because of all the jobs she worked as a teenager. We once went through them together, she had 32!

Cake baking and decorating, sewing and tailoring, burger broiling, she took jobs at Publix, Lee Jeans, and Wendy’s, to learn those skills. And when she learned everything they had to teach she would keep her eye out for the next job/skill she wanted to pick up. 

And what better place to learn how to be happy than the happiest place on earth? Where they were so good at producing happiness they were able to sell it. And boy did Charlene learn. When you interacted with Charlene you were getting the full treatment, a Disney princess was giving you her full attention and making you feel like the most important person in the world. 

But completely authentically, not in an artificial way. Charlene was expressing her true inner beauty and kindness in the most outwardly perfect way. She was a master of her own body language and others’ as well, telling me all the time that “people share everything you need to know with their body language”. Charlene communicated with what peoples’ faces and bodies were telling her, not just with the words they were speaking. 

This was one of the secrets to Charlene’s ability to make people happy, and to have such a strong energetic effect on them. Because she was so real, so aligned internally and externally. Her thoughts, emotions, and spirit were all focused on one message of happiness, kindness and acceptance to all. And her face and eyes and mouth and body were all communicating it to the people around her not only consciously, but subconsciously. 

These jedi-like abilities could have wreaked havoc on the world if she was a sociopath. But she never used her interpersonal abilities for any negative purpose. Always only to bring happiness to herself and the people around her. And never to take advantage or get something from anybody. She would bend over backwards to not use people or be seen as someone that did.

All Charlene ever wanted from the people around her was love and non-judgmental acceptance. She would get very upset when she wasn’t accepted or someone was judging her in some way, and it would deflate her. This was one of the few ways some of her negative past leaked into her happy present.

This was a very big challenge for us when we first moved to Monsey, New York from West Orange, New Jersey and we (I) stupidly enrolled the kids in a haredi school, perpetuating my own discontent with that system by subjecting my family to it. While most people were great, it was comical how non-accepting and prejudiced a few people were. 

We were once called into the school to answer whether we had a Christmas tree in the house because Yael had made a comment in school after winter break about the giant Christmas tree she had just seen at Disney World. I thought these simpletons were funny and started openly mocking them. Saying things like “it’s not really a tree, it’s more like a bush”. But Charlene felt horrified and humiliated by their attitude and was very upset that she wasn’t accepted. Once we moved the kids to modern orthodox schools this particular problem was resolved.

Charlene's fear of judgment and need for acceptance were part of that grouping of vulnerable little girl traits (which also included fear of rule breaking), that she had from being in charge at such a young age and being let down by her parents, that she never fully grew out of. And I believe this was why I appealed to her even on the most subconscious of levels. 

I never judged her and always accepted her fully because our relationship was completely authentic from the beginning. She felt free with me. She never had to conform to anything with me other than who she was and wanted to be. And I had zero fear of rule breaking. I lived completely outside the cage. And she was able to live there with me. I filled her needs even at the most elemental level and she was immediately comfortable with me from the day we met.

I was the opposite of her father who was super nice and agreeable and who didn’t provide the safety and security Charlene needed. I was super disagreeable and aggressive and she felt very safe and secure with me. Because of the disagreeableness. She knew nobody was going to take advantage of her when she was with me. But more so because of what she saw underneath. 

I remember very distinctly the first words Charlene uttered when she and I first met in my office. I was arguing loudly on the phone, (how I spent 80% of my time in the office), as my sister Hennie opened the door. As she walked Charlene into my office, Hennie apologized for my obnoxious phone behavior to Charlene. At that exact moment Charlene and I locked eyes and Charlene said “oh he’s harmless”.

That was the moment I fell in love with Charlene. My Disney Warrior Princess with half the heart of a pure, innocent child. And although she took her time showing it, I believe Charlene fell in love with me at that moment too, recognizing the pitbull with the other half of her pure heart.